I see such a huge contradiction inside myself. What else could it be about than about freakin relationships? Part of me longs for a relationship while the other half of me runs very fast from anything that resembles a relationship. Is that messed up or completely normal? Let me tell you about some of the guys in my life.

GUY #1
I've been chatting with this guy at work who is awesome. Albeit, completely unavailable but awesome none the less. We talk about all sorts of things that I usually just keep to myself. Its so nice to just talk to someone about shit in my life. Talk about things that make me happy. We talk about the experiences, circumstances, and views that make us who we are today. He's the first person in a long time that I have been completely honest. I've even told him about the other guys. Completely 100% honest and I don't like that too much. Everything I tell him that normally I keep guarded, its like taking a brick from a already fragile fortress wall.

GUY #2
This guy I've known for a year and a half. The first few months I knew him, I was somewhat afraid to talk to him. Frankly, he intimidated me. Friendly with everyone, tattoed, cute, and apprently unapproachable to me. When, I moved back to LA and started working at the bookstore again, I just went up to him and said fuck it and now we're friends. He's adorable in a very dark sort of way. I just like when he hangs out. He's very much himself with no apologies. I love when he comes to me for a hug. He was so happy and surprised when I brought him back a bottle of wine from Romania(which took some work). He however, is not ready for a relationship. So, do I keep hanging out, not necessarily looking for anything, and at the same time hoping that my heart doesn't become too attached and possibly hurt.

GUY#3
A completely unexpected twist of events. I'm not sure what to say about this guy. He's so unlike anyone that I've been interested in before. He seems to be such a complex person and I've yet to really grasp him. Which is awesome. At times he has that heavy metal thing down to a T. Other times he has his intellectual side put forward. He's sweet and has the most beautiful blue eyes. He actually played his guitar for me. Which I find somewhat cheesy, yet endearing and sweet.

Each of these are my friends and I enjoy spending time with them. But they all scare me to death. They alone have the ability chip away at my carefully built wall. I love my wall. My wall protects me from people who have fucked me over. Normally, I would care and let it hurt me. However, with this beautifully crafted wall I have managed to come out of somethings completey unscathed. It stops me from running full force into someone's arms. That one place that I long to be.

Will I learn....probably not.

Ever evolving...

That's my life...ever evolving. Its great, its fantastic, its strange and occasionally exhausting. So many things are different since last time I posted anything.

First, I started my new job. Awesome!! I am working full time as the Office assistant at an internet company. So, no I'm not doing anything with computers except checking email and ICQ. I've been here for two weeks now and I think I am really going to like it. I'm not doing the same thing over and over again. Everyday, its something new. Which is awesome because I get bored rather quickly.

I have moved out of my former residence. Not really by choice, more forced too. We had a fire about three weeks ago. Nothing in our apartment was lost to fire but lots of water(nasty putrid water), smoke and a caved in ceiling were what ruined most of my things. It was a bit hard for me at first. Not that I thought my world was ending. It was just one of those little bumps in the road that you just throw your hands up in the air and say ENOUGH!

It seems like every year or so something huge happens. Now, its not always a bad thing. Some are good things, awesome in fact. However, its that roller coaster of emotions that really burn me out. It also seems that when something really good happens, something shitty follows right behind. The past few years have been like that. I would be more happy to just be than to be extremely happy and elated and then come crashing down. Sounds ass backwards...but I guess its one of those self-preservation things.

Realizing that I over analyze things is ..... well I'm not sure yet if its a release or is going to make me that much more messed up.

Politically...I apparently am all over the place. Which makes me think that its all useless. Some people think I'm a socialist. In theory, I guess I am. I do believe we all should have the basic human rights( i.e. food, shelter, health care, clothing and education). However, on the opposite end of the spectrum I am apparently a Libertarian. Go figure. Two of the most opposite things in the world. But that's me, evolving, changing and never what you think.

I love changing, learning new things, becoming the person that I want to be, not whats expected or how I was raised.

Life and its.....moments

I normally love when those moments happen...you know what moments I'm talking about. Those moments where a couple who recently broke up, suddenly run into each other unexpectedly. That moment when someone realizes you've been watching them(of course in a non creepy sorta way). My favorite is when you know someone A) wants to ask you out or B) tell you that they have feelings for you. I love akward moments for other people or for myself even if its in a lite hearted way.

This weekend a few moments happened, but not in the fun haha. That was ridiculous sort of way. My roommate and I decided to have some people over on friday night to have some beer and eat some food and just generally hang out. Nothing too spectacular. Let me tell you the story leading up to the moment. I decided to send out a bulletin over a popular internet friends meeting place. I however forgot that a few people on my friends list weren't people I knew in real life. But even then, I didn't think it was a big deal. OH, I was mistaken. Perhaps naive. Well, in said bulletin, I stated a time and the address of said "party".

Let's jump ahead to Saturday night. WOohoo!! I'm excited some friends are coming over to hang out. We cleaned up the house a bit. I made some food...some good(chocolate chip cookies), some bad(brownies and mac and cheese experiment). My friend Scott came a little earlier than everyone else. YAY!! So, that was fun. We were just sitting and talking, making cookies. Good times! There's a knock at the front door and I expect it to be this guy Cort who I've been "hanging out with" for awhile. So I open the door thinking it was him, but no. It was this guy whom was essentially a stranger to me and my friends. The look on my face had to be priceless. Absolutely priceless! I realized it after looking at him for about 30 seconds with my mouth open.

I'll explain the story about this fella. On said web internet community, you can request to be people's friends and they can approve or deny you. For a brief period of time, I was approving anyone who sent me a friend request, but didn't communicate with any of them. Fast forward several months. My roommate and I worked at this summer day camp for these city kids and we really needed to drink (large amounts of alcohol) after dealing with some of these "children" for 9 hours. We headed to Magazine st. and ate at Nacho Mama's. WHo should be our waiter other than this guy who I had "befriended" on myspace. He's a little odd....to say the least. But whatever I can play along with this for a little while till we leave and head to a bar. He's talking to us about our personal lives, feeling one girls shirt, sitting at the table with us and generally acting like he's our friend. and being a bit creepy at the same time. So we're done eating and we are leaving, well that wasn't too painful.

May I ask this question now. Who in the world does that? seriously!! He didn't bring a friend even as like a buffer. and even that still...it wasn't a party like music and tons of people. It was meant to be just people hanigng out. Just a few people. So it was great and yet frustrating to see the look of absolute confusion on people's faces as they entered and realized one of these people just doesn't belong. Eventually he did leave, I think after he got the hint when people kept leaving the room that he just entered.

Another fine moment..well moments. Tiffany and Cort. Yes, you've heard him name before. He was the for-mentioned guy I've had a thing for. Yes, this "thing" I've had for him went back pre-tiffany. Apparently, he also had these feelings but mangaed to somehow sleep with her in the meantime. Well, he slept with her a few times in the interm. Yet, he still likes me and wants to be with me. Hmmm!! weird.

Things didn't end too well with the two of them and part it was blamed on me. Sadly, I had nothing to do with it at all. In fact I stayed so far away from it all to save a little face. So she feels weird around me and I apparently feel weird around the two of them. The drunker Tiffany got the more shots she took at Cort. About his sexuality and manhood. Real mature for a girl of her age.

OH, yeah Cort had been saying he was going to crash here after that night. Cool, that's fine. we have a couch. ;) Tiffany comes in saying she's crashing on the couch. Great, freaking great!! these two are going to fight over the damn couch. Fine, one can sleep in my room. Tiffany or cort..I dont' care. Well, I do have my preference but I'm not starting anything. Cort ended sleeping with me in my room while Tiffany got the couch. It actually worked out quite well and hopefully she doesn't think anything happened.

More moments to come. If you've read my previous blogs....I"m sure you haven't. You know about my friend and his long distance "relationship". Well, she came to visit about a month ago and that didn't go so well. She ended up being a little crazy. He broke up with her. HALLLELUJAH!! She keeps calling and he answers and the shit starts all over again. WHen she bought her plane ticket for the first trip she decided it was going to go swimmingly and go ahead and buy the second ticket. (she's not so clever). Meanwhile, he and I have been spending alot of time together and I'm thinking that someday I'd like to date him. Not at the moment but someday and I don't want her scarring him for life.

Somehow she guilted him into seeing her(his words, not mine). They went out and got beignets and coffee(the thing we usually do). Then the next night he took her to a wedding reception for a highschool friend of his. Freakin Frackin idiot!!! Then deletes her from being there and lies about friday night. So, my feelings are hurt because my best friend lied to me. Stood me up. and hung out with that one girl...that one girl that is the worst in the world for him. I don't get it. I really don't. I'm not sure what I should do. I talked to him of course. Bitched him out a little. But I'm going to take a little time away from him and let it all die down. It exhausts me. I hate talking about Taryn(that perticular girl). I get annoyed with her calling him while we're hanging out. I'm just done with it all and him apparently for a little while.

so stupid!

Why do we do stupid things that we know are stupid and can only lead to heartache and trouble?

Why do we get involved with people that aren't good for us?

Why do we call into work knowing full well it will get us into trouble and we desperately need the money?

Why do we say things that will undoubtebly get us into trouble?

Why do we let people do stupid things that we know will only hurt them in the end?

I'm frustrated. It seems I've done all these in the past 36 hours.

life at a bookstore

I had this vision of what life working at a bookstore would be like. Oh, its nothing like what I had imagined. There no coffee drinking except on a break which are strictly 15 minutes. There are no discussions with customers on what type of book they enjoy. No discussion of books read. Part of that has to do with it being so insanely busy that there just isn't time to have those conversations.

I work for a fairly large nation wide book store. So more than anything its a cooperation that just wants to make money. Yeah, it seems a little better since we are selling books. We're selling classic literature to high schoolers who might be inspired and become the next J.D. Salinger or Hemingway or Tolstoy. Except, these high schoolers don't care. They want the shortest book, despite the fantastic selection of great books they've been give to chose from. They want to know if there are sparknotes(similiar to cliffnotes) on Lois Lowry.

It doesn't help that our management staff is....well just that, a management staff. They don't necessarily love books or reading or writing. A portion of them do and really care about the book aspect of the store. The others unfortunetly are the ones who have risen to the top and are now in charge and make our days a living hell. Whether its the passive aggressive manager who is so afraid of confrontation most of the time he won't step out of the office. He's also one of those people who won't ever look you in the eye. Another one of our fantastic managers is that type of person who will ask you a question about why you are 4 minutes late but then when you go to answer her, she doesn't want to hear it.

On top of that we have some floor leads who think they are more than a highly over worked, slightly paid more bookseller. One floor lead who we'll call Bill. Bill is a frat boy, one hundred percent. A frat boy who takes his job as selling books as seriously as a doctor would take brain surgery. We sell books people. Books!! We aren't saving lives and apparently not imparting wisdom on younger generations. Another lead, we'll call this one Sally. Sally is one of those former drama people. Sally freaks out if there are a few books left over at the end of the day that haven't gotten reshelved. Sally comes into the store and is one of those people who will tell you every intimate detail of their life. Regardless if you are good friends or not friends at all.

I love the idea of working in a bookstore. A real bookstore. A small hole in the wall bookstore. Where people only go in there who love reading. Who love stories of far away places. Who don't mind reading books writting in old english. I am convinvced there are still those bookstores out there where you can have a cup of coffee and read while there are no customers. A bookstore where us college students can perhaps study while there is no work to be done. I am not a lazy person. I think I have a good work ethic. But as I grow older, I'm realizing what not to worry about and stress over. One of those things I refuse to stress out over is whether or not all the strays get done or not. If the store isn't in perfect shape at the end of the day..its ok.

Taking the train to MIchigan

Its been awhile since I've written on this thing. So much has been going on. Recently(in fact just yesterday), I returned from a short visit home. That's Michigan for those that don't know. The reason for my trip home was to visit with my neice and nephew who were visiting their father, my brother. I hadn't seen them since last summer so it was a necceasary trip.

For the most part it was ok. Part of it really stunk however. I'm one of those people who gets an idea in their head of how things should go and when it doesn't go according to plan, I get uber frustrated. That was this past week. Several times I had "made" plans with individuals and they bailed which left me sitting alone at my brothers apartment. Sad, huh?

Seeing Gabe and Sadie is always a highlight for me. They are some pretty terrific kids. I love all my nephews and neice. I have three other nephews that belong to my oldest sister. Everyone of them is smart, funny, adorable and pretty cool little people. Gabe and Sadie hold a special place with me however. I've known them since minutes after their births, babysat them countless times, and watched them grow up on a daily basis. So, not seeing them for a year is a hard thing to swallow at times. They really and truly are little adults. I miss the little goobers when I don't see them. Both really truly are great kids and I can't wait for someday when we get to be really good friends.

Another individual I was looking forward to seeing was an ex. Yeah, I know...usually not a good idea. Well, this guy(who will remain nameless for the moment) is a great friend despite it not working out between us. He was the one who really helped me through a hard time in my life. Dealt with alot of my crap. Wasn't afraid to tell me I was being stupid but at the same time let me cry for some ridiculous reason. Unfortunetly, I didn't get to see him. On the trip home, that was the only part of the trip that saddened me. Its been a year since I've spent anytime with him and I miss just being around him. Talking to him, driving around, watching tv, and sitting at the airport for hours. These are the things I miss.

So, I'm not sure if it was a blessing in disguise to not see him(since it might have hurt worse to have a few moments and then none at all) or that it just majorly sucks not to see him for a few minutes. Just a glimpse. That's always a major dilemma for me. A deep question that I'm not sure has an answer. If I could see this person or see my dad(who passed away 3 1/2 years ago), would I chose 5 minutes or none at all? Yeah, it would be amazing to see either one, but would that initial hurt come back in full force. 5 minutes wouldn't be enough time to talk to either one of them and tell them all the things I've wanted to tell them. I would just want to ask for another 5 minutes and another and another. I would never be satisfied. That's what its like to love...I guess.

Anyway, the trip home wasn't a waste. It wasn't fantastic but it didn't completly suck. I'm glad to be back in New Orleans. Which I can now tell when people aren't from town just by how they said new orleans.

I am moving this weekend in with a friend whom I work with. I'm am super excited. not in the jump up and down excited way. Just happy and thrilled...keep talking about it. I love my mother(whom I live with at the moment) but I need to move to perserve both of our sanities. I'm working on reducing the amount of stress in my life and this is step one. Next step..work situation. 3rd step..get back to school.

Its amazing how a trip can make you see things from a different perspective.