I see such a huge contradiction inside myself. What else could it be about than about freakin relationships? Part of me longs for a relationship while the other half of me runs very fast from anything that resembles a relationship. Is that messed up or completely normal? Let me tell you about some of the guys in my life.

GUY #1
I've been chatting with this guy at work who is awesome. Albeit, completely unavailable but awesome none the less. We talk about all sorts of things that I usually just keep to myself. Its so nice to just talk to someone about shit in my life. Talk about things that make me happy. We talk about the experiences, circumstances, and views that make us who we are today. He's the first person in a long time that I have been completely honest. I've even told him about the other guys. Completely 100% honest and I don't like that too much. Everything I tell him that normally I keep guarded, its like taking a brick from a already fragile fortress wall.

GUY #2
This guy I've known for a year and a half. The first few months I knew him, I was somewhat afraid to talk to him. Frankly, he intimidated me. Friendly with everyone, tattoed, cute, and apprently unapproachable to me. When, I moved back to LA and started working at the bookstore again, I just went up to him and said fuck it and now we're friends. He's adorable in a very dark sort of way. I just like when he hangs out. He's very much himself with no apologies. I love when he comes to me for a hug. He was so happy and surprised when I brought him back a bottle of wine from Romania(which took some work). He however, is not ready for a relationship. So, do I keep hanging out, not necessarily looking for anything, and at the same time hoping that my heart doesn't become too attached and possibly hurt.

GUY#3
A completely unexpected twist of events. I'm not sure what to say about this guy. He's so unlike anyone that I've been interested in before. He seems to be such a complex person and I've yet to really grasp him. Which is awesome. At times he has that heavy metal thing down to a T. Other times he has his intellectual side put forward. He's sweet and has the most beautiful blue eyes. He actually played his guitar for me. Which I find somewhat cheesy, yet endearing and sweet.

Each of these are my friends and I enjoy spending time with them. But they all scare me to death. They alone have the ability chip away at my carefully built wall. I love my wall. My wall protects me from people who have fucked me over. Normally, I would care and let it hurt me. However, with this beautifully crafted wall I have managed to come out of somethings completey unscathed. It stops me from running full force into someone's arms. That one place that I long to be.

Will I learn....probably not.